I can’t believe how much pain I am in some days. I can’t even handle how clear the memories are coming that are now reminding me that perhaps I have not even begun the journey of true grief. At 20 months, am I saying this? It’s like I sort of live with Koa as a distant sort of memory. My system only allows in flashes, moments where it’s intimate. The fact that my baby boy died. Days like today where it’s so close. I can feel his body laying on mine and his hair falling across my chest. I can’t let myself feel it too deep although in those moments I don’t have a choice.

Any moment my beloved little girl will make her way through the birth canal and arrive into this world. Last night’s dream was a moment between her and me.  I was communicating with her that she would be leaving her watery warm home in my belly and making her way out into this world. As I imagined this for her from a place of deep motherly love, I was aware of the grief that began to overtake my heart. How beautiful she feels the world is as she is all tucked into this body of love and how startling it must be to feel that water break around you as you begin spiraling through a dark tight space,

I awoke this morning at Koa’s gravesite. It’s like I was in one dream state then it took me straight to him six feet under, picturing his body, trying to remember what he was wrapped in and what he had with him. From bones to flesh and back to bones my mind ran through the visuals of his evolution under that pile of dirt. Memories of him now are sharp and direct. They do not come often, but when they come, they start from this earth's reality and pierce deep into my whole being. It used to be they came from some ethereal distant place and floated above like watching a movie like the angels were carrying the visuals around,

Lately, a lot has been coming up about allowing feelings. It’s not coming in the traditional psychological ways I am used to. Its not empty  philosophies based in helplessness that say “there’s no way out of the pain. It’s coming in more like a spiritual path in which allowing the feelings to be exactly as they are, with no attempt to shift them or close the door on them through the distraction of busy work or avoidance, is actually the very door that opens to life itself.

My only choice these days is to expand enough to let something else exist alongside death. I seem to be starting to understand why they say the pain of loss never goes away, it just changes. I was always curious when someone would say that, it never goes away. What a devastating thing to hear when you’re in the most pain ever.

I am under the constant challenge of trying to put words to a wordless phenomenon. Today I just feel like not finding the words for this deeply profound dance of life and instead telling you about a fun moment in my world!! Today I needed a break

Grounding back to this earth I have been delivered by the angels. My root is that which I took birth for, which is me without my story. I look for writings about what is most helpful or the things that create recovery. Did they get stolen?

The basic instincts of humanity are to be wanted, needed, and loved. Believe me, when I say that all of us who have touched the raging river of grief know that the numbness and shock that takes place of your once loved person doesn’t even reach the ability to feel any of these places within the heart.

The basic instincts of humanity are to be wanted, needed, and loved. Believe me, when I say that all of us who have touched the raging river of grief know that the numbness and shock that takes place of your once loved person doesn’t even reach the ability to feel any of these places within the heart.