Age Of Aquarius
I awoke this morning at Koa’s gravesite. It’s like I was in one dream state then it took me straight to him six feet under, picturing his body, trying to remember what he was wrapped in and what he had with him. From bones to flesh and back to bones my mind ran through the visuals of his evolution under that pile of dirt. Memories of him now are sharp and direct. They do not come often, but when they come, they start from this earth's reality and pierce deep into my whole being. It used to be they came from some ethereal distant place and floated above like watching a movie like the angels were carrying the visuals around, showing me slowly, perhaps tenderly the life I remembered with him. Now I am in a place to pull those memories up and view them directly with very little censorship or help from the angelic realm.
Yesterday I got a Vedic reading from my midwife’s astrologer on the big island. Over and over again the information from the ‘energy workers or ethereal people of this earth’ tell me Koa was a great Bodhisattva and he lived the life he was meant to. He died just how he was meant to and suffered not at all in his passing. Sometimes I feel deeply into this information for stability and other times I am just in a place where I don’t care. I just miss him and want him so bad. I don’t want to be a part of some spiritual earth place or expand my understanding into past lives or life after death. I want my child, my warm, sweet, round, beautiful, cuddly, laughing boy. I want to raise him and live life with him.
The other thing that stays with me from the reading is how she expressed I am here on a shadow path and will survive things that would kill other people. A true teacher and mystic for the people. When life proposes what it will, my challenge is to flow. To let go of the shore and be water.
Another day has come and the sun has risen. Is it all I can count on? This moment to say I am here and I’m ok? Every day feels like a day I have to set aside what I want and just take what comes and make good decisions in between the predetermined and what I want from life.
We are now in the age of Aquarius. Baby girl will come soon. Her due date is in just a few weeks. She will bring something with her that will catapult this life forward for me. The details, I do not know. My hopes are an open heart, and the ability to love and feel love again. Today I arise and feel bitter, stifled, and angry. I am not inspired or motivated to do this thing.
Aho.
