Karmic Dance

I can’t believe how much pain I am in some days. I can’t even handle how clear the memories are coming that are now reminding me that perhaps I have not even begun the journey of true grief. At 20 months, am I saying this? It’s like I sort of live with Koa as a distant sort of memory. My system only allows in flashes, moments where it’s intimate. The fact that my baby boy died. Days like today where it’s so close. I can feel his body laying on mine and his hair falling across my chest. I can’t let myself feel it too deep although in those moments I don’t have a choice.

I ask myself what would it be like to just let it in. Let myself feel more of him during those moments he comes to me. Open to them! Then, I seem to have a sensation that says NO. It would be like spending time with him, then you have to awaken to the fact he’s dead.  The moments he comes are so real. It’s like I am remembering him as he felt in real life only I can’t have him. I would rather just keep myself as distant as possible so I don’t have to come to consciousness again that he is not ever coming back. 

I don’t want to have to let him die again after I spend time with his memory penetrating my heart. 

Disbelief still comes to me often. What has happened? Koa is dead? How? What? It is clear to me that I am still in and out of total shock. It’s not fight or flight kind of shock like after the accident. It’s more like everyday life shock where I am only in the present moment then suddenly sent backward to pick up my pieces of fragmentation. It’s the act of incorporating the past with the present. 

Today I began contact with Coral in a new way. I sat on the beach and called in her birth angels and the sacred combination of energies that are there to unite her with life outside of me and her heart with my heart. It was a calling in our sacred agreement. It then dawned on me that I am about to love again. I just didn’t think I would ever love again deeply. I think this might be the only way it could have happened, the birth of another child. I will love her as I have my boys, different no doubt, but once again a mother's deep love for her child will be born with her. 

I aligned my third eye with her third eye and talked to her about our karmic dance. A little girl. How foreign this feels to me and yet how familiar she is and always has been to me. I have dreamt of her since becoming a mother. I had her name and her energy. I miss my boy and now I must go on. I don’t know how I am to do this and I call in the help of all sentient beings to assist this process.......Aho.